people always ask me "what is the most disgusting or strangest thing you have seen". Ok, let's be honest, this NP has seen a TON of crazy shit in her day, and this list could go on and on.... but here is one recent "favorite" that always gets a good laugh, but seldom is shared at the dinner table....
Woman walked into triage office... obviously "tweaking"... if her nervous, jittery, face itching didn't trigger me in the first place, the HUGE cup of soda she frantically sipped through a straw would have. Walked into my office and proceeded to pull up her shirt to reveal a huge fluctuant abscess... no biggie here in NorCal, it's a regular occurrence....and we have local community wound care services that cater to just such a problem. What happened next was the true charm.....
"I have to pee"... the patient loudly proclaimed
"No problem, there is a bathroom right outside" I calmly stated.....
"No! right now!" she exclaimed as she pulled down her drawers and urinated in the middle of my office
My office; which, I will no doubt expound upon later, is currently nothing more than a glorified janitor's closet, not more than 7x6 feet.... it's not the kind of place you want to be trapped in as a meth head does her business two inches from your iphone charger.
At this point, I had a split second to decide if I wanted to chance a urine splash my tan and blue pinstripe wool jacket and sofft heels... so I used said right heel to kick a trash can under the patient's rear as she continued to urinate in my office, when done, she pulled up her pants, thanked me for the wound clinic referral, kindly apologized, grabbed her big gulp soda, and left on her way.
A pack of clorox wipes, and a janitor visit later..... the evidence was gone.
take home message.... avoid the big gulp, or at least, always keep a trash can handy... wouldn't want to ruin a cute outfit or a good day :)
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